A moment...

Under the shade tree
where I sit
children swarm
like hunny bees
chasing wild flowers
of sprinkle sunshine
cool breeze sends
shivers through out body
quickly after
warmth of gold sun
peaking in the tree limbs.
! Quick sudden Jolt!
Of energy swoops by
a wondering child
Brings back memories
a distant stare.
Often startled
slightest movements
Something Strange
yet...
Comforting.

First step to Change...not fight it.

As some of you know ... (cause you personally know me). I often wake up at random odd hours. Normally I sit on the sofa, stare at the TV or on FaceBook, wishing how I could just go back to sleep.
Then 6:30am rolls around and I am soooo tired, (because I was focusing on wanting to go back to sleep.) I go back to bed, only to find my eyes shut for a few moments then its 8:00am, I am grumpy and I still have the rest of the day to go through.

Well today I didn't fight my body! It said at 3:58am.
Time to get up!
At first I must say I did roll over and say No, just a few minuets longer.
However my body said YES, Get UP!
So I got out of bed, dimmed some lights through out the house, trying not to wake the other four people that are sleeping ever so peacefully.

And I thought to myself might as well go on a jog. Soooooo....

Today was the first day I got up at 4am to go on a Jog! (It was more like a walk jog for the most of it, with little bit of jogging sprints.)

At first my little jog was easy, but then the cool morning air hit my lungs. Made it kinda hard to breath at first. I had to slow down a bit. It was not a very long one either, But still. I did it!

Now as I am typing this I find myself wanting to go back to my nice warm bed. Its 5:45am. Maybe I should see what a little cat nap might do.

Today I took the first step in not fighting what my body tells me.
Lets see how this day goes.

Hope Everyone enjoys their day. :)

The Art of Letting Go.

Letting Go....

I have had many conversations with someone I used to call a friend about the idea of letting go.
How to let go. When to let go. What to let go.

Now I have conversations about REALLY Letting Go, learning that everything will come to pass.

Some of you may be asking Letting Go of what?

Letting go of the guilt, anger, worries, grief, fear, doubts, the should, shouldn't, all the suffering, the double suffering. ( I do alot of double suffering.)

When I would have these conversations, I would ask how to let go.

Now I finally understand what it feels like to let go.
 And I have to share it with you...my dear readers.

Its when you feel like you are at lost, you have tried all your options and you throw your hands up in the air and say to your self...maybe to the world "I am done! I give up!" You wipe your hands clean to confirm this, and as you do this the burden of whatever Suffering was on your shoulders finally lets go.

That is what it feels like to let go.

After you let go, and you finally think you are Really done, something wonderful happens, a small window opens and light shines in.... answers come pouring in. Then you realize the answers were already there. They were just covered up by the worries, the fear, anger, grief, guilt..... basically all the suffering we put on ourselves.

Then we start again, by saying "I should have seen that!" (double suffering)

Letting go is really just that same feeling, with the understanding the answers will show themselves when we are ready to see they are there.

I am not saying this is easy.
Nor am I saying that I don't get emotional, with the fear, the guilt, the worries, anger, and the shoulds.

What I am saying is Whatever IT is.... it will pass.
There will be good times and bad times.
Enjoy the good ones, work through the bad ones.
And when those creeping feelings of judgements (sufferings) start to bestow upon yourself,
Let go.

Possible (its short)

Each day we get caught up in what is not going right, and all the drama of daily life. If we let it, It can hold us captive. Then we repeat the same patterns over and over like beating us over the head. And yet we move on with in this circle, unable to open our minds and just see.... what IS possible. Well my friends, I have not mastered the art of All the possible things in life. However I have mastered the art of understanding that nothing is Impossible.

The Universe Listens.... and talks back.

I have finally started seeing how the universe listens. It does give you what is being asked for. 

Details are very important in this time. If you leave out details of what it is you want... You might just get a whole lot of what you don't want. 

Also the universe will test you to make sure you want what you are asking for... sometimes when a pebble is thrown in your way there are three choices. 1. kick it, 2. trip over it, or 3. step over it.  

A pebble was thrown in my way On Tuesday, I was supposed to start working. When I got there all proud of myself for being on time, and not rushing. I was told that I would have to start next week instead. I understood her reasoning. However when I walked out the door I took big sniffles... You know the ones that shake your whole inside when you are trying to not cry out loud. I was feeling pretty emotional about it. Kinda confused and worried if I still had the job I was offered just the week before.

Then I came to realize it was the universe listening to me again.... I was just not ready to start yet. I had some meetings to do and projects to finish.

Early Tuesday, the Morning of me going back to work, Miss K had a tummy and an ear ache, later she ended up in the hospital due to an object being trapped in her ear.  Since I didn't go to work, a friend that just happen to be in the area picked me up, (another thing the universe heard.... I needed a ride) I was able to bring snacks to my Hubbie and Miss K. As soon as they got done with the snacks, we got called back and I was able to be there for my little girl. She was so brave.

Though we almost ended up back in the hospital again when I burnt my finger on the pan taking it out of the oven... I was lucky and it was only second degree burns. (when I was not listening to what the universe was trying to tell me)

Today I was able to stay home with Miss K. just to make sure she was OK, the night before she went to bed with a small fever. Which the DR said could be from the pressure place on the ear drum her body was trying to fight the object that was pushing up against it. I was able to keep an eye on her and she didn't run a fever at all today, while getting spoiled with Happy Plant smoothies and sugar free cookies. She made sure to tell Mr C and Miss B about all the yummy treats she had today.

I was also able to sell a necklace and finish up a few projects I had going.

However, today again I was not listening to what the universe was saying and I again hurt myself by running the corner of my beading tray in between my rib cage knocking the breath out of me, sending me right down to my knees gasping for air. Still when I breath or move some ways, I feel it.

I believe I am supposed to be taking it easy and resting.....  this week. Since the universe is not speaking with words I have to take its hints... though tomorrow seems like its planning out to be a busy day... I am going to try and make it a easy resting day.

Life is good.

Heaven or Hell (Life has been Crazy!)

Life has been super crazy and I love it!

After starting Bonds of Love, I found a small amount of peace.

That peace let me get through the time that my husband was out of the country.

He is soon to go back out of the country and another small piece of peace has found me, I will start working at a job where I can learn to do more for my business...Bonds Of Love.

I love to be busy.... the busier I am ...the better I am. The more I do, the more I am able to get done. Up until almost 3 years ago and as far back as high school, I have almost always had three jobs.

I love how Life test you, and keeps you on your toes. I am thankful that I am able to find my way out of the darkness that I once lived in. Everyday is a battle, a battle I am willing to fight. Not just sit and wallow in it like its the unshakable plague.

It was not easy to climb out, and honestly I really don't know how I got there. However, I do know how to Get out and how to stay Out of the darkness. It has to be done in baby steps. Each day I take a step forward, looking for the good, focusing on the good things, I make small changes, and I can finally see, while being grateful for my wonderful life. Yes there are days where I slip and that dark mood strikes me, normally those days I haven't gotten out of my pj's and I feel totally gross. But I don't beat myself up over it. I just say "its OK to have a bum out day". Then the next day comes, I make myself dress, I go out... and Normally I end up at some place great!

I have learned something I always knew.
We can live in Hell or We can Live in Heaven .... right here on earth ...
Focusing on the bad and the Ugly = Hell.
Focusing on the Good and the Beautiful = Heaven

We just have to pick .... I pick Heaven.... How about you?

When Dog $h!T Happens!

Lets see where to start this....

When I was in my teen years as a punishment I was made to go outside and clean up dog poo with a broken handled shovel and a bag. I would gag and be in tears by what I thought was a horrible punishment! I remember being so mad about it...

Now lets fast forward to the present day....

I live in the city, where you have to pick up your dogs poo and hope there is some kind of trashcan with in a few meters of where your lovable beast decides to put down his $#!^.

This is the item I bought for my wonderful dog... aka Pooping machine. This item is a wonderful thing... it attaches to the leash and allows you to pull out just one bag at a time and its refillable.... So in theory you will never be with out a bag.




My hubbie on the other hand does not like this item, I bought that latches onto the leash for the connivance of never having to worry about having a poopie bag on hand when ever our dog needs to lay down his duty. Even though I was tired of finding random poopie bags all over the house, or in pockets of jackets or jeans....And then to think we are out but really we have a whole roll stashed in odd places O.o

At first he would take it off the leash and I would put it back on the leash.... this went on for a few weeks, finally I just gave in and didn't put it back on again...

Then the other day I was out with our dog just after taking the kids to school, I brought just one bag with me ... which he always does just one in the morning BUT not that morning he went Twice! Later I was informed it was his favorite spot to go poo! HA .... Panic struck through me, feeling like a bad dog owner, I hung my head low and swore to myself if only I had that poopie bag holder!!!

Today I went to grab just one bag and thought twice... maybe I should take the whole roll with me. There was NO Way I was going to relive the feeling of being a bad city dog owner...

And Then it happened! 
The bag split! With the poo falling right back to the ground... Thankfully I brought the whole roll, so taking off the second bag I noticed the bottom of that one was not closed ... so I tied a knot and re-picked up the poop as well as the broken bag...with the flash backs of being a girl that was sooooo upset about picking poo up with a shovel....

Life sure is funny! And Yes the Poopie bag holder is Now Back On the Leash!

Alittle Rant...I stayed up..

I stayed up ...until now which is 12:23 am... which for the past week I have been going to bed early. One hour after the kiddoes go to sleep expect for Thursday night I had to stay up and watch Nikita ... I really like that show.

Anyways, every night for the past week I snuggle down and fall fast to sleep only to be awaken around this time by some strange noise...

So tonight I stayed awake trying to be crafty and make something. New point never try to be creative when ready for bed.... Doesn't work!

Needless to say I have not heard this strange noise that seems to jar me about of my wonderful peaceful sleep.

I hope I can get a good night sleep now... I have found if I go to sleep early. I can sleep, if I stay awake past my bed time, I do not sleep really well.... if at all.

Well I am off to bed ...peaceful dreams here I come.

I alot of new and a little bit of old...

I have allot of new stuff going on right now.

Firstly,( I never knew firstly was a word until last year when my sons teacher wrote it on her agenda for the month.) I am having new sleeping patterns which tends to have me up at odd hours... it seems I like to get up between the hours of 2:30am-4am. In a perfect world I would really like to get up at 5:30am and have my coffee done by 7. Maybe 5:30 is pushing it...6:30, so at least when I go to grind my coffee, it will not wake up the whole house to early. Regardless of when I would like to get up.... it seems like 4/4:30am is the time my body really enjoys, even through the big yawns and the thoughts of "why the hell am I awake now" keep entering my mind.

Second, I have started hand crafting jewelry, some people call it beading..however its more then just putting things on a string. I finally feel its my way of making art. I love art and wish I studied it more in school when I was younger. I sold a set too, I mailed it off yesterday. I have a really great support system in place, which is nice and possibly something I have never accepted before. I am not sure where I picked up the social mentality of I do not need people... and I do not ask for help. I am realizing this way of thinking does not make me happy and after almost 25 years of thinking this way, I am trying to change it. (The reason I say 25 years and not my age is due to ...when I was younger then 5..of course I needed help.)
Which this leads into my third new thing.

Third, I am stepping out of my box and trying new things...which I hope leads me to finding my true self that I once knew and now lost. Growing up I was always a strong willed child and spoke my mind whenever possible..I got into allot of trouble this way. Never meaning to hurt people. Over the years I have shoved myself into this conforming box of this is how you should act. And I have found that in that time pieces of me slowly went away or so I thought. Now they are peaking back into sight. Yet I am still having trouble with my voice. (Its so easy to just turn and look away not pay attention to the world going on around you. But then something happens and it wakes you up a bit... and you see your life for what it really is and you are not happy with it.) I am ready to fix the issues that I have... but what I really need to learn is to say its not my issue! You DeaL With It! I am learning that I take on other peoples issues that are not my own, and I often do well, yet the issues still keep coming around. And while it may effect me,(and not all do affect me) its still Not my issue. I can no longer be that protective charming pit bull to hide behind. I am ready to see my poodle side :)

Miss K.. Lost her first Tooth..

Miss K is really the baby of the family. Her Twin sister Miss B is 40 mins apart from her...

And while Miss B has lost two teeth last year, and Mr. C lost almost 8 with molars coming in.... Miss K waited and waited.

Some days she would come up and say "Momma wiggle my tooth and just see if it will come loose." or "How come Miss B has lost TWOoooo Teeth and I have not lost Any Yet!" she says with a slight pout.

Well Last night it finally happened .....her tooth became so loose it finally was able to be pulled out by my wonderful hubbie.

Miss K was so excited when she went to rinse her mouth ....she dropped her tooth right down the drain :(

So we had Miss K, write the tooth fairy explaining what happened to the tooth.... The tooth fairy didn't seemed to mind and still gave money with a tiny letter written back...saying she understands.

It made Miss K a very happy little girl... even though she lost her tooth in more then just one way.

Is it the Camera or Lighting...

Today my goal was to post Three listings on Esty.


Of the Three very lovely Earrings that I made.... However I can not seem to take a Great Pictures and Capture the wonderful colors and detail of them. I zoom in ---it blurs, I zoom out---no details. I change the stupid "Scene" the "lights" .... its all just yuck. I am getting Frustrated!


Its a new camera I just got it ...this past Christmas...which I am thankful for.. Miss K... dropped my old one.


My old Camera may have been a bit out dated However I took some really great shots with it. And I ran my eBay business very well with the pictures that I took. It was able to capture the little details and the color was perfect...


But then again I lived in NC... Where it was not everyday a cloudy day and I didn't live in the Basement, so natural light was always pouring into my cozy home.


So I thought....." humm I will just go take the pictures outside...on the patio table"...BUT ....Its covered in snow... Yep that is right snow! Which normally I love snowy days...think about a nice cup of hot cocoa... Needless to say this sets me back once again....Sighs


Maybe I will try another part of the house...

When old men talk....

Today the family was out shopping, and we had the twin girls in the shopping buggy... one of my girls is almost getting to the point were she is to big to be in the buggy but she is also the one that loves to oOooo and ahhhhhh at everything and anything! So IN the buggy she goes!

Here we are shopping along when an older man ... I am going to say 65-70 came up and started chatting up my girls. Man: "Hi girls" (as my son stands ideally by) Girls: "Hi" (in that twin voice that they can pull off sometimes) Man: "How old are you girls?"Girls: "Six" (again in that same twin voice) Man: "Oh You girls are Twins?"  At first I thought nothing of it (trying to have a new insight and see the good in people) but then hair stood up on the back of my neck, I felt like a Momma cat ready to Hiss and Bat. I looked at the Old Man then looked at the girls, shooting a look to my husband (a look he knows all to well). Thankfully my husband steps in and starts talking to the Man ...which leads to the man into wondering away. As I suck in my breath and point something out to the girls, with the help of my son we pulled the girls attention to what we were doing.

Now here I was trying to sleep and I am thinking to my self as I replay in my head what went down....
If that was an older lady in the same age group, I would have thought nothing of it .... I think....Does that make me sexist?
If that man would have greeted me/hubby/ and son would I still have gotten upset?
Why am I letting myself lose sleep over it?
I know I love that my children are friendly....maybe I should have a talk with them again....

All These Thoughts are running Loudly in my head Right now....
So let me ask You my dear Readers... What's your thoughts?

Throwing Birthday parties!

I am not sure about the rest of the Momma's/Daddy's out there, but I find throwing a child's birthday party to be stressful as all heck---mostly due to the Goodie Bags!

Where to have the party?
How many kids?
Who to invite?
How the invitations look?
How to be politically correct when not inviting the Whole Class.
Does anyone have allergies or can not eat certain foods?
Then there is the Goodie Bags----Major stress factor!

Yes, I know it sounds silly that I let something such as a Goodie Bag stress me out, however it seems to play a major role in kid party throwing. I totally dislike them! And yet each party... each year, I go to the store and stress out over them. I mean honestly filling the damned bags full of crap candy and junky plastic toys that just get lost over the next week.... or that lovely plastic whistle that the child keeps blowing in the car or while running through the house...sneaks up and blows right in your ear.... Or those plastic spin tops that as you just happen to place your bare foot down to the floor you step on the BLASTEd thing! By the time you get to the check out counter and pushing all those thoughts to the back of your mind you see the bill of $50 dollars, your eyes bug out and you say in your mind "REALLY!?!" However being the wonderful parent you are with all the fun little treats of stickers, plastic junk and candy....You just smile and nod, while paying for the crap. Then not to forget about running short, on the goodie bags, ... you do the invites, and then get the ones that can come and can not come..then something canceled and they were able to come and just showed up.... which we are always happy to see... cause clearly you are not thinking about the goodie bags... Everyone is having fun..until the end.... again something I made work... with maybe just a few tears.

This year ... I really thought about not doing the Goodie Bags, but then one of my girls went to a party and came back with a stainless steel water bottle. I was like WOW that is a great idea! So I went with that idea, I still went to the toy store and they still got some candies but I also got fun semi learning treats that I knew everyone would like. It was a hit! The kids thought it was cool and everyone left with a smile! And I brought Two extra Goodie Bags, just in case! So I now have great little ideas going thru my head about the next Goodie Bags I have to make up in 8 months, but now I do not feel so stressed out about them....even though I would rather just not do them at all.

Where to have IT!
So Many kids running around full of energy and excitement! It has to be entertaining, it has to be fun! It has to have movement....even 9 year olds can not sit still for very long when totally jacked up the energy of having a party. Normally I let the kids pick where they want to have it, sometimes I think to myself am I really going to make THAT happen. Like last year when we had to go back to SSI and throw a party on the Beach for my girls... I just happen to make that promise one year to the day of their birthday party and they held me to it! I was lucky too, on the ferrie ride over, it was a dreadful sight, rain and dark clouds... the family had to split up and come at different times...but I pulled it off... for two hours the clouds parted and the rain stopped and even thought it was a little chilly everyone had a great time!

Needless to say After Nine years of learning the art of throwing a wonderful child's birthday party, I still find it all stressful, however I am learning little tricks to make it go much smoother.

1. A few good friends is much better!
2. Buy something they will keep and remember that time spent together!
3. Don't make promises you are not sure you can keep....
4. Always have something Chocolate, something Vanilla just in case they cant/don't like chocolate, also have something salty.... just in case they cant eat dairy!
5. Save the blow horns for last as well as the cake and gifts... cause after you open those and eat cake the party is open for free run, and you lost their attention for good!

Until next time.... Give a smile!

Words Our Truths

Lets Change the way we think!

Words are Flesh! What you read, listen, write, or speak.... it becomes real. It becomes true in the world and not just what you might think is YOUR world.... it affects each and every single one of us.
We are connected...

Judge.... Sarah Palin for what she said, However....I am sure if anyone of us that has adoring fans and those fans could hear how we speak on a bad day.... what would happen...they would get mad and take action...
(And Yes I do agree she is someone that needs to watch what she says in public light...however I think we all need to watch what we say.) Our words, Our thoughts become what is true.

Hell, I remember in High school, riding the bus home with this super smart kid, and he told me how to make a homemade bomb....this was just after The Columbine High School massacre. Here is just another example of putting our words and our energy towards something we shouldn't have. Our school made such a big deal about it... bring in metal detectors and not letting people wear long coats anymore. So of course kids that would have never thought about making bombs went home and looked into this new raving topic all the teachers were so worried about.

I think this is part of our issue as a whole. We tend to care about what is going on in the world more then we care about what is going on in OUR OWN backyards. We want to take care of the starving, the poor, the neglected people in other countries, we spend millions upon millions of dollars, we go into wars over CARING for Other peoples issues....Yet we look down on those same issues with in our own communities... Just think about it for a moment... If we happen to take all those kind, caring energies, words, and directed them toward people that we connected with every single day..how much better would Our world be?

Right Now I am in a battle with myself, I am changing.... I am looking at the world with my true self. 
I am changing my words in how I speak, I used to always try to think of myself as a good person.... now I know I am just a person with positive and negative reactions... I am focusing on the positive actions....which is not often easy. I am stopping ....the trying to be perfect in an imperfect world.  

Our worries become our truths...we become what we hate, so whatever you put your energies to...your focus on...becomes you.
Lets think happy thoughts, focus on how good we feel in our worlds....

Let Positive Light shine with in you...Happy words flow out.... until next time... Give a smile.

What’s Awesome In Your Life?

After reading this blog http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/what’s-awesome-your-life

I think its best that I start today off focusing on what is Awesome in my life.... I have been crying, whining, sad, swimming in a massive pity party for 4 days ... THE first four days of my New kick ass year! This is not how I want to spend this year. SO..... what is Awesome in my life is.....

1.) I have the best family in the world. My kids are super wonderful, creative, to smart for their own good, talented kids, they always keep me on my toes... my husband is the most humble, non-judgemental, kind, caring, loving father, and even though the world doesn't often see it he is always thinking of others before himself.

2.) I have a full life of wonderful friends both in BC and in the States... I started to say NC..but then I had to stop and think about the friends I have that live all across the USA... And even though we do not talk every day or even every year. I still know they are there if I need them or they need me.

3.) I have the best Mom and Dad in the world... and even though we do not always see eye to eye... They Give me the space and taught me it was ok to be myself.... No matter if everyone else do not agree. They Made it ok for me to have fire and fight for what I think is right. They Made me my strong willful spirit I have today. I am very Thankful for this.

4.) I have the most Caring In Laws in the whole world....

5.) I still own a house in NC...which means I have not totally let go of my dreams... I just have to remain focus on what those dreams are. And as long as it stays rented I have a asset.

6.) I have the most protective handsome dog in the world...

7.) I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. My life is forever changing and always for the better.
My family tasks risk... well planned thought out ones...which are sometimes harder then planned, only to show us what we are missing.

8.) When I set my mind to do something I can move mountains.

9.) I have a wonderful mystery to me.... while being able to "look cute and not so cute" And most people can not tell how old I really am. :)

10.) I blessed to be where I am today, with the lessons I have learned and need to keep learning. I am blessed to know that everyone has there reasons for doing the things they do... crazy or not they have their reasons.

These are just some of the Awesome things in my life....

What's Awesome in Your Life?

Road Blocks...

I have not written in awhile due to hitting Massive Road Blocks.

They are not just normal road blocks with detour signs hanging over head, its the kind of road block that looks like you are at a four way stop all lights are off and roads are closed with all the "important" people in your life telling you what to do and what not to do.

See Normally I am the type of person that comes to the road blocks and I say Get the Hell out of my way I am doing it anyways. One thing is for sure I HATE BEING TOLD what I Can and CAN'T do.

When I was 18 years old I was told I would not be able to graduate high school if I didn't learn how to do geometry the RIGHT way.(I came up with the Right Answer ..just not the same way that was taught, so there for it was not the Right way) The very day all my friends were getting ready to walk across the stage, I had to wait by the phone and see if I could walk..just because I didn't think like everyone else.... I passed with a 75 and the fourth time taken the damn test.
When I was 18 years old, I moved out of my house because my Momma and Daddy told me I could not have a cat. It took me a month to find a place I could call my own, and I house sat for my daddy's best friend just so I could have a roof over my head. ( I also do not like asking for help, or taking help when offered... I am learning how to ask for help)
When I was prego with the twins I was never told to stay in bed by my DR... and when I told them I didn't want to be cut open, I wanted to have my twins as natural as possible they all looked at me with disbelief.. my girls are 40 mins apart... yes I paid the price afterwards, my body went into shock and I lost alot of blood, almost shaking right off the table. Clearly I pulled through.
When I wanted to buy a house, I had to prove to everyone that it was possible for my husband and I to own a home, making very little money and with 3 kids...  We still own that house today.

There have been many other times where people say I can't do something for this reason or that reason... and I just look at them with fire in my eyes and say watch me.

Now Every day I am being told what I can and can Not do, by people that should not have any effect over my personal life. I have no space, I have no privacy, I do not feel comfortable in what is supposed to feel like a home.

I asked for help, I was told make something happen. When I made something happen I was told it was to fast, it was not right, I was told I could not do it.... my heart was broken...
I am being told I CAN'T just say Get the HELL out of MY way... because it just doesn't affect me, it effects my children, and my husband.

So with this being said... I have alot to think about.