Self Love...

Self Love sounds like the most easiest thing to do...Right?

However, I believe its one of the hardest things to do..especially if you do not know How you lost it in the first place.

When we are babies all we know is self love, and no one judges us for that .... we cry when we are hungry, thirsty, hurt, for all the needs to be meet. As we grow we are expected not to be so needy of others, we are encouraged to learn for ourselves and try new things. As we move into being adults it turns and we need to be there for others and sometimes we get lost.

Looking back at one time in my life I do feel; I knew what Self Love was.... I was PROUD to be the Person I was... and some where along this path I lost it... My Mother likes to call it my FIRE, I like to believe she was speaking about my spirit.

I had children at what some people think is an early age.
I had my son, 2 months before my 21st birthday. Then about 2 and half years later I had my twins....

I am unsure how or when but some where along the way I Lost myself Love. And yes Even though I was what normal people would call Young, my soul is old and I have been told I have wisdom beyond my years of age.

I also know it was not something that happened overnight.... I am Strong... I am a Fighter!

I still became Broken.... I was judged... I was shamed.... I felt unable to be a good mother for my children because I did not meet others expectations of what They thought a good Mother was. I fought to be a good mother. I tried to change, slowly my spirit died.... my Fire as my Mother called is was almost gone... I Gained ALOT of weight, which gave me more judgements.....and self judgements .....(thoughts of how did I let it get this way, is this really who I am, am I nuts?) Nothing I did pleased them and no matter how hard I tried it was never good enough... they always wanted more. I thought I was going insane....
At this time I did not know what reflections were....
All I knew was people I thought loved me and I looked up to; found faults with things I believed were right and set out to go against everything I did, wanted, and believed. Even made it seem as if I was just out to get them... which was not like me at all....  and over time I started to believe them.

I knew DEEP DOWN I was a good mother. 

Thankfully I have Angels, that watch over me, my children and my husband.
Those angels sent me to good Nice people, people that gave me hope and held my flame from burning out.
People that told me on a daily bases that I was a good person, I was smart, funny and a proud momma, they prayed for me and wished me well on any path I took in life. They held no judgements toward me, even though they knew I was different from them. They truly showed me what love was.

With that I knew myself Love was still there ( the fighter inside me would not give up) but it was burning really low, everything was running low.... only a small dim light showed a path.... and I knew this path would forever change my life.

Our move to Salt Spring Island was a challenge, we were tested, we fought hard and were blessed with more angels...

Life On Salt Spring was different from anything I could ever imagine, when people ask I just shake my head and smile, I can not explain to them what life is like there...

I often wish I made better use of my time on SSI with making friends and enjoying the island life. However I knew I had alot of self healing and reconnecting to do with my family.... after being Broken for so long I forgot who I was and my trust for people was not so great. When we first moved to SSI I Cried Ever Single Day, then slowly it turned into once a week, it turn into random odd times, and I still cry jut not as often or as hard.... I knew I was healing, slowly the weight I had gained was coming off, it felt like it was just melting off of me. A small handful of people came into my life on SSI and I am thankful to those people. They are my angels.

Now that we live in the city .... I am healing in a new way, self Discovery.... and self Love.

Learning that its OK to be Who I am... I am honest, funny, smart, talented, passionate, thankful, nonjudgmental and cheeky.

I am stepping out slowly trying to make connections, finding myself, learning that I am a good person.
I strive to be a great mother and wife, but not to others expectations ( well maybe some of my husbands). But mainly to myself and trust me No one in this world is harder on me then Me.... with that being said I have to learn that I am not perfect and love even my flaws.
I am learning how to forgive and I hope to earn forgiveness....
I am learning to let go of anger from my past,
I am learning how to forgive myself and to fall in love with myself.
and I do all this in hopes to show my children the path of self Love.